Fairy Tale Parody
Once upon a time... "Little Red Riding Hood," wailed Mother. "O, Little Red Riding Hood." I rushed down the stairs and off to a beautiful little day of picking daisies and delivering more mysterious goods to Grandmother. "Little Red Riding Hood!" Mother wailed. "Yes, Mother," I giggled. "Deliver some more mysterious goods to Granddmother!" "Yes, Mother." So off I hopped to another splendid day in the Woods. I loved the lovely small critters and other splendid small creatures that ever-so gracefully ran across in the dense wilderness. But today was an irregular day... [Skipping to Third Person segment] Mother switched on the television, where sat a come-over clad newsreader. "Breaking news!" he noted. "A mysterious unidentified flying object crashed last night in the Woods. The exact nature of the Object is yet to be identified, but authorities have claimed that they couldn't care less." [Third Person segment ends here] I sat inside the dark prison cell, looking into the Darkness. Sometimes the Darkness spoke to me. The Darkness told me of fantastic feats of magestic trombones and the ethereal whim of the late Professor Michael Faraday. I found some more of the strange gunk that grew at the bottom of the cell. When I consume it, the Darkness speaks to me. I remember long ago, when I was a little girl, my name was Little Red Riding Hood. But now, the only name I can thing of is the Wolf. [Unexplained flashback sequence, ACTIVATE!] I skipped along the paved path in the middle of the Woods. I could see Granddmother's hut just ahead. Then a deep, dark voice came from within the trees. "Hello, little girl," the voice cackled. "Hello. My name is Little Red Riding Hood. Who, may I ask, are you?" "You may call me...the Wolf!" "Why hello, the Wolf, how are you this fine Summer's evening?" "I am good, but I am hungry." "I am bringing some mysterious goods to Granddmother, you can have some of them." "I am not hungry in that sense. I am hungry for information." "What sort of information are you hungry for?" "Answers. Answers to the question I shall now depart upon the sound waves leading to your ear canal." "What an odd thing to say." "I come from a far off world, my spacecraft landed on this terra last sun-rotation. I have come to ask you, Little Red Riding Hood, to help me.” “In which of the many possible regards?” “In saving my people from a deadly bacterium.” “Why of course I would like to, but I have to deliver these mysterious goods to Granddmother. Sorry.” And off I skipped, to deliver my mysterious goods to Granddmother. A few hours later, I arrived at Granddmother’s hut and entered the door. “Hello, Granddmother, I have some more mysterious goods for you.” My Granddmother, a robust woman for her age made a statement that’s exact means left my thoughts open to suggestion. Her hut was messy, perhaps messier than usual as their wasn’t pumpkin all over the floor last time I visited. “Oh,” said she, “You’re alive. How…Good.” Granddmother took the mysterious goods and her smile collapsed like a baking pavlova. “Look, Little Red Riding Hood, I’ll be frank with you. That alien lifeform in the Woods was an assassin that I sent to kill you. I just thought it would be a lot easier with you dead and…I never really liked you anyway. Why on earth is your name Little Red Riding Hood, anyway, it’s an awful name!” [In another world…] I skipped along the paved path in the middle of the Woods. I could see Granddmother's hut just ahead. With no unexpected deep voices being heard, I skipped into the hut and opened the door. Granddmother was busy carving pumpkin with her cleaver. I walked up behind her, due to her bad hearing she couldn’t hear my footsteps. “Oh, Granddmother,” I giggled. “Bruuuarrrghaaa!” Granddmother screamed, tripping on her feet and falling back, stabbing herself through her heart with the cleaver. Her bloody carcass lay on the ground, with the inches of life left in her, she wailed, “Curse you, Little Red Riding Hood. I never really liked you anyway. Why on earth is your name Little Red Riding Hood, anyway, it’s an awful name! I will use my ancient gypsie powers to send a message to my past self, telling her to kill you while I have the chance! Aaaaargh!” And at that, she was dead. [Unexplained flashback sequence, ACTIVATE!] [Unexplained Third Person segment begins here] Little Red Riding Hood’s Granddmother was happily carving pumpkins with her cleaver, when… A mystical shriek surrounded the room, her veins pulsated and she fell to the floor, writhing in agony. “I have received a psychic message from my future self,” she murmured, “I must kill my granddaughter!” She stood up and through the pumpkin onto the ground, cackling with insanity. Outisde, a Wolf walked past. “Say,” the Granddmother ushered. “Would you like to assassinate my granddaughter.” The Wolf queried, “What’s in it for me?” “I could cook you some pop tarts,” the Granddmother suggested. “I’ll do it!” The Wolf exclaimed and off he ran. [A short while later…] The Granddmother looked out of her window, to see Little Red Riding Hood skipping up her path. “______” she swore. Little Red Riding Hood walked through the hut door and the Granddmother prepared herself for a rather awkward conversation. “Hello, Granddmother, I have some more mysterious goods for you.” “Oh,” said the Granddmother with disappointment, “You’re alive. How…Good.” She took the mysterious goods from Little Red Riding Hood and her smile sunk like a baking pavlova. “Look, Little Red Riding Hood, I’ll be frank with you. That alien lifeform in the Woods was an assassin that I sent to kill you. I just thought it would be a lot easier with you dead and…I never really liked you anyway. Why on earth is your name Little Red Riding Hood, anyway, it’s an awful name!” “Gee,” said Little Red Riding Hood, “I’m sorry, Granddmother.” “That’s alright, dear. Now get inside this Medieval torture dungeon.” Little Red Riding Hood was not one to argue, so she hopped inside. The Granddmother sealed the door and Little Red Riding Hood spent 60 years in the dark. In that time, the Granddmother and the Mother died of terrible causes. Little Red Riding Hood had been sent insane. [Third Person segment ends here] I sat in the Darkness, thinking of revenge and hatred. But hope came in the Lightning. I don’t know what it was but it struck the dungeon and opened the door. I loved the Lightning, though light I could not stand. I looked in the mirror for the first time in 60 years. I was…hideous. My hair had grown out of control, I was covered in it. I was the Wolf. The dungeon crashed in the Woods, creating a large crater. [The next night…] I walked along infront of Granddmother’s hut. From within, an elderly woman, quite robust for her age, departed from the hut. “Say,” she ushered. “Would you like to assassinate my granddaughter.” I queried, “What’s in it for me?” “I could cook you some pop tarts,” she suggested. “I’ll do it!” I exclaimed and off I ran. [A short while later…] In the woods, I saw a young girl skipping along and confronted her. "Hello, little girl," I cackled. "Hello,” the girl replied, “My name is Little Red Riding Hood. Who, may I ask, are you?" I remembered going by that name, perhaps Mother had had another daughter? "You may call me...the Wolf!" "Why hello, the Wolf, how are you this fine Summer's evening?" "I am good, but I am hungry." "I am bringing some mysterious goods to Granddmother, you can have some of them." "I am not hungry in that sense. I am hungry for information." "What sort of information are you hungry for?" "Answers. Answers to the question I shall now depart upon the sound waves leading to your ear canal." "What an odd thing to say." Realising the odd situation I had put myself in, I improvised. "I come from a far off world, my spacecraft landed on this terra last sun-rotation. I have come to ask you, Little Red Riding Hood, to help me.” “In which of the many possible regards?” “In saving my people from a deadly bacterium.” “Why of course I would like to, but I have to deliver these mysterious goods to Granddmother. Sorry.” And off she skipped, and so did I. At that point I realized that what had happened and I laughed. What a confusing story just occurred. Atlas Insert 34.